So, I’ve been figuring out a lot of things lately. Since I haven’t been playing volleyball, I have occupied myself with jogging and quilting. Sadly, a sinus infection and cool temperatures curtailed the jogging. Now, I’m blazing through quilts (check out the Juggle quilt…it has a modern block fractal pattern). And when I’m not quilting, I’m finishing the binding on UFO quilts. Or pondering my existence.
Depression, as I have mentioned before, lurks in the basement of my mind and sometimes escapes (this time, running amok since June or July). It’s herding cats to get all those bad thoughts back where they belong. I have been using cognitive behavior therapy, counseling and the advice of a psychiatrist towards that end. Lately, what I have discovered, is that I don’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend, wife or new baby mama. For awhile, I want to be just me, without all those other roles. I’m still Jo, mother of one phenomenal son, artist, quilter, wannabe writer, philanthropist, dog lover, blessed with a wonderful family and great friends. And that’s plenty to say grace over.
I got caught up in trying to be too much for the wrong reasons. I wanted to make someone else happy, even if it meant misery for me. That’s not a healthy way of approaching things, but loneliness is a powerful force. You have to really know who you are, be happy with yourself and know what you want, to succeed in a relationship. At least, that’s what I’ve heard. And it’s what I’m working on…solo.
I’m trying to appreciate the life I have, which is amazing. I don’t mind being single now. I get to be Jo, just Jo. Patrick doesn’t have to compete with anyone for my attention. He couldn’t be more incredible…brilliant, funny, wry, engaging, talented, athletic, handsome, healthy. I’m enjoying these last two years with him before he heads off for college.
When you are a single mother, people often ask you if you ever want more children. I have never said never. I always said, “maybe”. It wasn’t an imperative since I have been truly blessed with Patrick. Really, I just wanted more of him. He is THAT delightful. I could have been happy with more children, but I could also be happy with just him. Now that I’m fast encroaching on the dreaded 4-0, I sing a different tune. When Patrick goes away to college, I will be on my own for the first time in 18 years. Just Jo. I seriously doubt that I’d want to start over with an infant. Some women have that natural, motherly instinct and desire. Not me though. Motherhood has been like swimming laps. I can do it, sometimes even hit a stride, but progress is slow and I’m never going to be great. Maybe less arduous than swimming…I loathe laps. Patrick is my greatest joy.
My other joys…Biscuit and Skyler. I captured footage of Biscuit snoring last night! The major snores start about 20-30 seconds into the video. Wait for it! He even puffs his cheek out! It should tell you a lot that I spend my evenings watching my dog snore. But hey, you gotta enjoy the little things. (Thank you, Zombieland, for such sage wisdom.)